From someone who has been there...

If you are new to my blog, you might not have caught on to my general posting schedule, so let me set it out objectively here before I take full advantage of it. On Mondays, I post posts on miscellaneous topics. They might be WoW related, they might not be; I give myself the freedom to go either way. Wednesday's posts can be either miscellany or philosophy (or advice posts, if I have something I can actually give advice on), but I try to make those about WoW whenever possible (though I don't always succeed, as you saw last Wednesday). Friday's posts are the ones that I guarantee will be philosophy posts and will be about WoW. I keep a flexible schedule like this because I know I need a posting schedule of some kind to stay motivated to write, but I also need the freedom to go where my inspiration goes, which doesn't always follow the usual pattern that would otherwise make up a more rigid schedule.

That very phenomenon has happened this weekend, for the source of inspiration for this post comes from a post on the Pink Pigtail Inn that is only tangentially related to WoW. Said post inspired me to write about something that is both personal and somber. My blog normally isn't all that gleeful and light in its subject matter, but it will be especially serious today. My post today will be about a topic that makes many people quite uncomfortable, a topic which is impossible to discuss lightly. If you that's not what you are looking for, then I apologize for disappointing you, but you'd be better off skipping today's post.

So what, exactly, am I planning on writing about that is such a downer of a topic? Well, Larisa's post that I mentioned previously discusses what happens when real-world death and Azeroth intersect, but more than that, it talked especially about suicide, for it was inspired by Aurdon of I Sheep Things's post about the suicide of one of his guild members. A lot of what Larisa wrote about hit close to home for me, for I'm a person who struggled with suicidal thoughts for longer than I would have liked to; about four years, give or take. As someone who has been there and can discuss it from a more personal, potentially less phobic, perspective than most people, it brought up a lot of thoughts in me, so as Larisa herself said, "I'll deal with it the way that bloggers do it: I write. It usually helps."

Now, what do I mean when I say "less phobic"? What I've often found in the few times when suicide has come up in a discussions I am having with other people is that the topic makes people really uncomfortable. This uncomfortable-ness is multiplied ten-fold when personal experience with suicidal thoughts and attempts are brought up, as they often are. After all, a group of people who have never experienced suicidal thoughts will tend to avoid the topic of suicide, and thus, 99% of the time when it is brought up, the conversation involves someone with personal experience with the matter. When that happens, those personal experiences come out, and people get more uncomfortable.

Why do people get so uncomfortable? My suspicion is that someone who has never experienced being suicidal just can't fathom what could push someone to seriously consider ending their own life. When they themselves haven't experienced those kinds of thoughts, I'd imagine that fear can develop, fear of the kinds of thinking that can lead to being suicidal. A wise man once said that when someone we respect attempts suicide, we are left to wonder what they knew that we don't, and perhaps it's fear of gaining that potentially dangerous knowledge that makes people so uncomfortable talking about suicide.

But I'm rambling. I brought up the point of me being less phobic about suicide than most people because that puts me in the position to write about it (the anonymity of this blog and the fact that it isn't connected to any other online identities that could be traced back to me helps, too), and potentially dispel some of the misconceptions about suicidal thoughts. Reading Larisa's post and some of the comments on it really made me realize just how big the disconnect between people who have never considered suicide and people who have really is. The number of incorrect assumptions the former group has about the latter is staggering, as is their magnitude, so today, I'm going to give a first-hand account of what it's like to be there, and account that those who haven't been there can hopefully learn from.

You might ask why I'm posting about suicide on a WoW-based blog, but like I said, Monday's posts can be on any topic; they can go wherever my inspiration goes, and that's where my inspiration has gone today. Besides, real life issues do often make their way into WoW, and as Aurdon's post illustrates, suicide is no exception. (This edition of WoW Insider's advice column Drama Mamas, written by someone who went by the name "Nameless Rogue", further illustrates that point.) And though this may be a WoW blog, all of my readers, simply by virtue of being human, could encounter this kind of situation at some point in their life, so its something we all have the potential to have in common.

Now, back on topic. One of the most common things I hear said about suicide and suicidal people that is patently wrong is that suicide is a selfish act. From the survivors' perspective, it certainly seems that way: someone who has witnessed someone they are close to kill themselves can't help but be focused mostly on how the situation affects them, and the way it affects them is that they will never get to interact with the suicidal person again. It doesn't surprise me that a survivor would, in their grief, focus on what the suicide victim has taken away from him with his act (his presence, namely). From this self-focused perspective, it's easy to jump to the conclusion that the suicidal person thought that his problems were more important than the joy he brought into the lives of those around him, and that that selfishness drove him to do/try to do what he did/tried to do.

In reality, suicide is not an act of selfishness, but an act of desperation. Suicide is the result of a person thinking that there is no solution to whatever problems they are having, that there is no way out of there situation, and no way it can get better. It is motivated not by self-centered-ness, but by a lack of hope. Someone who commits suicide really believes that what they are doing is the best way to handle their problems, and potentially the only way they will escape whatever their problems are. That may seem extreme to someone who has never considered suicide, but the other important thing to consider is that suicide is often a rash act, as well. Though there are people who commit suicide due to a profound existential conflict they cannot resolve, the majority of suicides are much more motivated by isolated periods of depression. The fact that suicides are statistically more likely to occur on Wednesday shows just how small the causes of suicidal thoughts can be in their scope, and how ephemeral those thoughts can be.

I can tell you from personal experience that when I was considering suicide, the thoughts would often last no more than an hour or two, after which I would be right back to normal. Though I did have persistent issues that lead to those thoughts in the first place, had I tried suicide, it would have been because of a small trigger that sent my thoughts spiraling downward, not because of a long-persisting issue I had. That kind sudden rush of melancholy could explain why so many people say about suicidal people, "He seemed so happy, and then he just did it." They probably were happy, but then something brought up those thoughts in them until they were finally pushed over the edge. That kind of pre-act happiness can also sometimes be explained by the fact that once someone has decided to commit suicide, they feel like they have finally found a solution to their problems, and the relief they feel at finding that "solution" could manifest as seeming happiness.

But if suicidal thoughts are often caused by these temporary states of mind, you might be wondering, why can't suicidal people just wait them out? Why can't they recognize the triggers for what they are and learn to ignore their thoughts because of their irrational base? The answer lies in something else someone who hasn't been suicidal has probably never experienced. Since I don't want to make any assumptions about other people's experiences, I'll speak only about my own. When I would consider suicide, my mental state was such that I was incapable of seeing anything good about my life. All I could think of was all of the bad things that were happening to me, usually whatever lead to those thoughts in the first place. In that moment when I was considering suicide, I would forget that those feelings would eventually pass, that life was generally good, and that I really did have a lot to live for. In that moment, none of that would come to mind. I was only capable of thinking about bad things, plain and simple.

The larger point I want to make by bringing that up regards something a survivor will often ask themselves: "Why didn't he just..." That "just" could be going for a walk, or talking to someone, or getting help, but they all share one thing in common: the are incredibly obvious from the outsider's perspective. For someone considering suicide, though, none of those options are that obvious. Because the person's mind is so pervaded by those suicidal thoughts, they either don't think of those options, or, more likely, think that attempting to get help or talk to someone will not help them. To the outside perspective, it's clear that it probably would help them, or at the very least, it couldn't hurt, but someone who is that hopeless has probably reached a point where they are incapable of conceptualizing ever not feeling like that. They become so hopeless that they can't imagine that anyone or anything could help them.

Now, the causes of suicidal thoughts are varied and many, so though I would like to end this post on a positive note saying what you could do for the person suffering from these thoughts, there isn't much I can tell you that I could feel certain would be helpful. I will do my best, however, for it is better than doing nothing. After all, you might one day be like Nameless Rogue, whom I mentioned above concerning when he wrote in to the Drama Mamas about a mage he encountered who talked about wanting to kill himself. You might one day encounter someone who is thinking the same thing, and knowing what to do will make you a lot more comfortable and able to potentially help the person.

If you know the person well, make sure the person knows they matter to you
When I was going through my own period of suicidal thoughts, the thing that always managed to motivate me to pull through was the thought of those I would leave behind: my family, my closest friends, and how much they would miss me. Conversely, often when someone is feeling suicidal, they believe that by ending their life, they'd be relieving those around them of the burden they place on them just by being alive. I've heard many stories of people who say they were suicidal and the only thing that kept them going was the thought of how much those around them would miss them, so if you know or suspect that someone is suicidal, make sure they know how much they matter to you. If they tell you out right that they are considering suicide, you might need to flat out tell them that they're really important to you and you'd really miss them if they were to do it, but if you suspect they might be feeling that way and don't have any concrete proof, it's better to be more subtle, to say that you really enjoy spending time with them, maybe mention how crushed you'd be if they moved away or if they had never come into your life. Now, don't lie and say that is the case when it isn't, because that can make the situation worse, but if you know the person well enough that they would confide in you that they are considering suicide, there's a good chance that you matter to them, and the inverse is likely to be true, as well.

Encourage them to get help
Suicidal thoughts are a sign that something is terribly wrong in the person's mind. In my case, it was really destructive thought patterns that I just needed a therapist to help me break. In other cases, it might be medical depression or some other mental disorder, or any number of things. Point is, as a friend--or maybe just an acquaintance, like Nameless Rogue--there is only so much you can do. If it gets to the point where someone is considering killing themselves, a professional is usually needed to help the person get better. Make sure the person you are talking to does get help. Since I'm no expert on sources of help, I'll copy something I found via a fifteen-second google search; you can recommend these to a friend if you think they need them:
• Send an anonymous e-mail to or call the The Samaritans
• Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
• In Australia, call Lifeline Australia at telephone: 13 11 14
• Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
• Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
• Call a psychotherapist (this is a more long term solution, but one that will likely be necessary in the long term)
(source)

Don't panic
The natural reaction to finding out that someone is suicidal is to worry about them, to worry that if you don't do something soon, they might go through with their thoughts. If someone tells you that they are feeling that way or hints that they might be, do not visibly make a big deal out of it. Do tell that that you care, do listen if they want to talk, do tell them that you're happy they confided in you, and do tell them that you'd really miss them if they were to do anything. But don't overreact. Overreacting to someone telling you they are suicidal could make them regret ever telling you, and they'd probably be less likely to confide in others for that reason, and if they aren't confiding in others, they're less likely to receive help.

Don't try to solve their problems
This point is courtesy of Sthenno of What's Wrong With WoW: "...there is a natural inclination to try to solve people's problems when they talk to you. When someone is considering suicide and they are talking to you about whatever problem is making them consider it, resist the urge to try to think of solutions for them. It is an emotional state that is driving them to consider suicide. Being there to talk to is a great help, but the real problem is their immediate emotional state, and no solutions you can come up with regarding their job, their school, their relationship, or whatever else they are fixating to put those emotions into words are going to remove those emotions. Just listen, be encouraging, and express sympathy."

Don't tell them to "just cheer up"
I feel like this should be evident from what I have already posted, but in case it isn't, I'll say it clearly: telling someone who is suicidal, or even just depressed (the two do often go hand-in-hand) to just cheer up or just get over it is about as effective as telling a quadriplegic to just get up and walk. If they have reached the point where they are considering suicide, it is because they can't "just cheer up". If it were that simple, don't you think they'd do it? It would certainly have been nice to have been able to "just cheer up" when I was feeling suicidal, but a suicidal person's brain just won't let them do that. This is really a very simple point, so I'm not going to give much exposition; just don't do it. It won't help, and it can often make the person feel worse for not being able to "just cheer up."

And whatever you do, don't ask the person to promise you that they won't kill themselves (or any euphemism for the act). This is quite possibly the most self-centered thing you can do when you find out someone is considering killing themselves, for all it does is reassure you, and it does nothing for the suicidal person themselves. When someone is grappling with suicidal thoughts, they often can't be sure they won't go through with it. If they aren't sure whether they'll go through with it, and you make them promise they won't, you've either forced them to lie to you by saying they won't (a lie which will certainly stress them out later), or you've made the both of you sadder by forcing them to admit that they can't make that promise. And if they really won't go through with it, they don't need a promise to you to motivate them not to. By not asking a suicidal person to make that promise, you show tremendous understanding of what they are going through, and that will make them value your friendship more, which will make your support more effective. What you can ask them to do is to be strong, or to call you when they are feeling down, or something along those lines. You can offer encouragement or support, but don't ask for anything, not even a promise that they won't do it.

The thing about suicidal thoughts is that getting rid of them requires, above all, the effort and will of the person who is experiencing them. As much as you may try to help them, if the problem is a problem in their way of thinking, you can only help them so much. If they are going to really get better, they have to seek help of their own volition. That's a scary thought for someone witnessing someone else going through suicidal thoughts, for it might make you feel helpless in the face of an adversary that intimidating, but if nothing else, it takes the burden of total responsibility for the person's fate off of your shoulder. That might be a perverse consolation, but it's the best I can offer.

And if you yourself are feeling suicidal, try reading that page I linked to before. Here, I'll link to it again for your convenience.

This post last edited on 12/29/10 at 9:42 PM.